For long has this thought haunted me - "What do I need from my Life?" "Why am I born? What should I do? Why was I created?". I definitely don't know the answer to these questions. But I want to collect all the thoughts that have been running through my mind and put it here.
Being a software engineer, I sometimes think that - "Is this what I am destined for?". I am sort of ambivalent about it. I don't know whether I like it or not. I just do it. When I entered my company, I was amazed by the culture of the company and the kind of resources I had at my disposal. I enjoyed thoroughly. But now, as time has passed by, I never have the same enthusiasm on things I used to have some months back. I hope that is the same with any profession. Something when better, attracts you for a while, but when you get used to it, the craze on it goes down and you go in search of something else. Attraction can neither be created nor be destroyed. It just gets transformed from one state to another. This cycle continues throughout the life.
But will there even be something which by itself keeps on changing keeping me attracted to it forever?? Or am I too ambitious? Or should I find something in my daily work itself which will keep me involved? I don't know.
I have always had the feeling that I should not live a so called "normal" life - Eat, Sleep, Earn. Is this why we are born? Even if I don't go too much into philanthropy, I at least want to do something which I will be proud of for being born. Something that the future generations can use. Something that defines and changes the world for goodness forever. I don't know.
Sometimes, when you try to make a fast forward of your life and see where and what you ll be in some years time, you ll find that you end up at the same point where you started. Let me fast forward my life and prove it to you. Now I am an software engineer - age 22. Assuming that I continue this for some amount of time, what would I want to do? - Obviously Earn More Money. Then buy a car?? - age 28. Roam around the world on client sites. Change Company. Do the same thing. Then marriage, kids. I would be what 30-35 years now. Then get a house - age 40. Then what? Higher post. Greater Salary. Management. Same damn thing for up to age 60. Then what? Grand Children. Medical Problems. Death.
How different is this from any "normal" life? At every stage in the above mentioned, I will definitely look back and think, if I had done this, then I would have been like this. What the hell? Never had I appreciated what I am now. We are never living in the present. It is always what we have not done or what are we going to do? I feel it is useless and there is no thrill to lead a life like that. Enmity, Ego, Greed, Hatred - all these are part and parcel of life but they are more for those who don't live in the present. Love is the ultimate thing in life. Live in the present and love everyone. Not to sound like a person who has found every answer in life, I have never believed in the concept of "nirvana" because it means that you are either a coward or you don't appreciated the beauty of His creation. But I at least feel some relief that I have found answers to some real problems which are killing people everyday. The future is uncertain and I don't care about it now. What I am going to do? What will I become? I don't know. But at least I don't care about them now. Screw it!!
I think this is the most random blog I have ever done. But whomsoever reads it, if you have had any of the thoughts in it, I hope you ll understand me or you ll be in the same state of thought as I am in now! For others, Sorry for wasting your time!
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